Updates

Looking at my (this) blog... it seems that I've been neglecting it for quite some time - like a few months. Sometimes its hard to find exactly what to say... sometimes facebook has taken away the need for this blog. Sometimes I want to hide my inner feelings from everyone, sometimes I don't want to be understood. Sometimes I don't want to admit my mistakes. Sometimes I don't want to admit my weaknesses.

But then it seems like so much has happened, so much has been piling up that I need to communicate with everyone who reads this, or even sometimes I don't get the feeling that people read this, it is a struggle to really define whether I am writing this blog for myself, or for my readers, or even if knowing that there are out there, reading.

Anyway, the blog post. It has been... three months? September 3rd to now (Dec 06)? I've moved office once, moved house twice, and lots of other stuff have happened.

Work wise, I've been learning stuff, but its not enough, at least not according to my expectations. IIS logs, model build scripts, parsing, assembly reflection are some of the stuff that I've worked on, but as Vincent said... it really isn't about gaming. Its more like tools to support the game. Well, I'm in this "special part/section" (where after 3 months my mentor finally bothered to explain to me) that it is a temporary part setup to help ease the programming part. Not say that I have complains about it... I'm thankful that the work I am doing benefits the modelers and some of the programmers, but somehow I feel alienated from the core of the team. They are handling critical sections of the game, and they are so involved that they go back on weekends to work and everything, and OT like until 11pm. But I'm so alienated from them, handling non-critical sections. Good point is that I can just pat my arse and disappear at 5pm/6pm, but the bad thing is that I don't feel that I belong.

Everything is kinda stringed together, also with the language communication problem. For example, lets say I bump into a colleague in the washroom, I just say good morning. He greets a reply, and thats the end of the conversation. Awkward at best, sometimes the conversation doesn't happen. If it were in English, if it were in SG, I would happily try to get to know everyone, talk about their weekends, personal matters, recent sports, whatever. I cannot stand having just a totally "work" relationship with people whom I see everyday, 300+ days a year. I only have 2~3 colleagues that I "really" talk to, and them I talk in English. I can speak Korean, but the conversation ends after maximum 4 sentences. And the conversation barely scrapes the surface of what I want to convey, or inquire. It just doesn't cut it. And don't tell me I can learn Korean like I learnt Japanese, I'm sick of hearing that. I learnt Japanese in JC until University for 3 years before I went Japan for 3 months. And even then, it wasn't enough. I've learnt Korean for maybe 6 months now. And it ain't worth shit, when facts come to facts. But then, like somebody said "its the choice that I made", I gotta stick with it and make the best of it... that much I know. That much I do.

Relationship wise, its been crazy again. There's so much I want to say... but I shall leave it for the next post. later.